Steps Skill: Transition Into Boring With More Ease

Little by little, we get closer.

You’ve noticed a pattern:

You find yourself doing something fun (or something that used to be fun- more on that here) and you have a growing awareness that you’re supposed to be doing something else but it feels impossible to get going on that other task. Or, maybe your child is doing something fun and it is time to shift into something less enjoyable. Getting from fun to less fun, but totally necessary can feel brutal, jarring, and very disruptive.

Humans (and groups of humans, such as families) love stasis. Stasis means we strongly desire things to stay the same, even of those things aren’t great for us. What’s comfortable becomes preferred, even if what’s comfortable isn’t helping us live the life we want.

How to shift stasis when we have a nervous system that really loves fun?

It’s very natural to love fun, we don’t have to change that. We work with it, instead.

When we use the Steps Skill, instead of forcing ourselves to leave sunshine of something fun and slog through something boring, we create an easier transition for ourselves.

Here’s how it goes:

First: Notice it’s getting to be time to shift. See how I wrote ‘getting to be time’ instead of ‘time’? That’s because we have to let ourselves ease out of the fun activity. If we know a transition time is coming, we can have the choice of either stopping our fun activity at a good point for us during the transition window, or we can let ourselves ramp down, knowing that transition time is coming. (For more support on this, check out the resources on hyperfocus).

Example: I’m working on an art project before bedtime. I have an alarm set for 8PM and 8:15PM. I know that once my first alarm rings, I have until the second alarm rings to start to put my project down. I have choice. Choices make changes easier.

Example: It’s time for dinner and your child is playing video games. If you walk up to him and say “stop now” he’s going to be very upset, ignore you, and probably get very frustrated. You start the transition by saying “hey buddy, in 15 minutes we’re going to get ready for dinner. I’ll come back to remind you when there’s 10 min left and 5 min left until we get ready. You can wrap up what you need to.” And then you do that, consistency is key. Your child now has the opportunity to choose a strategy on when to pause the game and how to exit for the day. You’re respecting his autonomy. Respect and freedom make changes easier.

Second: Ease off of the fun. Going from something pleasurable to doing something dry and dull is a tall order, and honestly, kind of cruel. Some folks have brains that struggle to suddenly ramp up into a boring task (and that’s ok, we have a lot of skills to support with this). To make transitions easier, choose one (or two, or three) transition activities that reduce fun input and bring you closer to the focus you’ll need to do a more boring task. This will make it easier to present and engaged and you are less likely to be hard on yourself.

Example: I have to go from making a fun painting to my least favorite task- unloading the dishwasher. After I put the painting down, I do a cleaning task I enjoy (first step), cleaning my paintbrushes and watching all of the colors wash away. Then, I choose a cleaning task that’s a little less fun (second step): gathering all of my empty cups and bringing them downstairs. After that, I’m in the kitchen, thinking about dishes, but I’m not ready to unload the washer yet. So I choose another cleaning task that’s even less fun (third step): refilling the dish soap dispenser. Now I’m calm, used to boring input, and ready to unload the dishwasher.

Example: Your child is still revved up from playing video games. You can give him options or direct him to something that is also a high-energy task, but brings him closer to dinner (first step): run upstairs and yell to the siblings that dinner is ready and then run back down. After he jumps past the last two steps and slams his feet into the ground (very regulating), you can give him a slightly less thrilling task that brings him closer to dinner again (second step): you ask him to choose which special plate he wants to eat off of and go pick out a cup. After that, he’s ready for the third step: filling everyone’s glasses with water and walking them over to the table. If they spill, no biggie- it’s just water. Regardless, this step will get him to slow down and focus with his whole body. By then, he might be ready to sit down at the table to eat. And if he’s not, we can add something else: putting napkins on the table or choosing music to listen to during dinner. Eventually, he’s ready to sit down. (Sensory input tools can also help with this step down process).

Remember:

This is different than productive procrastination because we are allowing ourselves the accommodations we need to get closer and closer to our goal- not avoiding it!